Top 10 Joe Schultz Quotes

Middle of winter, icy rain coming down, and as usual Ball Four provides me with some baseball comfort -- and lots of laughs. It's remarkable, when you think about how businesslike today's game is, to consider just how loose and informal Pilots manager Joe Schultz was with his players in 1969, which, to me at least, wasn't all that long ago.

While perusing Ball Four this year, I decided to focus particularly on Schultz's wit and wisdom, and after gathering some quotes, ranked them. You may disagree with my ranking. But I hope you'll laugh.

The 10 list follows after the jump.

10. To Mike Hegan, after he got hit on the arm by a pitch:
"Where'd you get it, on the elbow?"
Hegan: "No. On the meat of the arm, the biceps."
"Oh, shit, you'll be okay. Just spit on it and rub some dirt on it."

9 . "Attaway to stomp 'em. Stomp the piss out of 'em. Stomp 'em when they're down. Kick 'em and stomp 'em. Attaway to go boys. Pound that old Budweiser into you and go get them tomorrow."

8. On pitching to Frank Howard:
"Look, whatever you do, don't let him beat you. Don't give him anything good to hit. throw it outside to him. Christ, I don't mean on the corner, either. He'll hit that pitch right out of here. Throw it a foot outside. Hell, he'll swing at those. Somebody's been getting him out. The bastard's only hitting.305."

7. "Attaway to stomp on 'em, men. Pound that Budweiser into you and go get 'em tomorrow." Shultz spots John Gelnar. "For crissakes, Gelnar. You'll never get them out drinking Dr. Pepper."

6. John Gelnar during a Shultz mound visit: "Any particular way you want me to pitch him, Joe?"
Schultz: "Nah, fuck him. Give him some low smoke and we'll go in and pound some Budweiser."

5. Bouton to Schultz: "I sure could use a workout."
Schultz: "If you need a workout go down to a whorehouse."

4. During bunting practice:
"Boys, bunting is like jacking off. Once you learn how you never forget."

3. After an argument with an umpire, returning to the dugout, to a woman in the front row:
"Hi ya, Blondie. How's your old tomato?"

2. Schultz: "Nice going out there today, Jim."
Bouton: "Joe, I had a fantastic knuckleball today. Just fantastic."
Schultz: "Did you? Did you have the feel of it?"
Bouton: "I sure did."
Schultz (grabbing crotch): "Well, feel this!"

1. "Well, boys, it's a round ball and a round bat and you got to hit it square."

Bonus quote, uttered by Pilots coach Frank Crosetti during infield practice:
"Thataway. That's the old Rufus Goofus."

Comments

[Dave]

Phenomenal...thanks!